Today I was off to a great start. I didn't get on the scale this morning. I just knew if I saw that number go up I would just lose everything I worked so hard for. Had my meal replacement shake for breakfast. Then they were having a free meal at work. I got one serving of pulled pork, mash potatoes and cucumbers( I love cucumbers ) Later that day I went back for half a serving of pulled pork and more cucumbers. I sadly found myself chewing the food and spitting it out. Not much but it was enough to scare the hell out of me. I am still not over my daily calorie limit as this point.
I get home. I tell myself to eat the fresh strawberries I brought yesterday and a meal replacement shake at worst. My brain suddenly remembered that apple pie on the counter. Didn't eat the whole thing but picking at it, going around certain parts. I mean today was just an out of body experience for me. I know I have done great but I still feel like my body or mind which ever is taking over. I went over by 40 calories but I still feel like crap. I shouldn't be complaining but I would like to eat healthy foods and not just shit you know.
I am still feeling like I can not get on the scale. I am actually scared. I am so scared and I don't know if I can handle seeing the number go up after being so close to being 202lbs. I dislike how I have to fight so freakin hard to lose this weight. Why does it have to be so hard.
Hey, just remember. You DIDN'T go over your calorie limit for the day, so you didn't fail. You didn't even come close to failing. Hell, even if you did go over you didn't fail. Failing is when you give up, and you're still trying. So, go you!
ReplyDeleteThank you. I don't know why but I felt guilty for going back for more food and eating stuff I hadn't in a while.
DeleteRight, you didn't go over. Doing things differently than you planned is not an automatic failure. You're still going on, it's just a blumb that came in your way. I wish the ride in this world would be smoother but then again you can experience so much more in roller coaster ^^.
ReplyDeleteI know right! Why does the ride have to be a roller coaster. I want cruise lol.
DeleteGood job for not going over. Sometimes I feel the same way. After I munch down on some icecream, I think to myself, wtf are you thinking? But you are doing great for not getting on the scale.
ReplyDeleteXOXO
Sometimes I do wonder what I am thinking. Some days I know it is because I let myself get too hungry but then I did not let myself get too hungry. I felt like my mind was being greedy. It liked the way the food taste and just wanted to murder it!
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ReplyDeleteReading blogs where ppl are clearly starving and looking at too tiny girls for thinspo will play with your mind like that girl, please be careful, you do NOT want to be dragged down into this underworld bc it will destroy you and you will never truly escape it... I'm sorry to sound harsh, but you need to know what you're into here, so that you can make you're own choices with all of the info, not just i one side x
ReplyDeleteBecause I care x
You don't sound harsh at all. You are actually seeing what I am seeing and that is what scares me. I have been good the past 2 days. I believe the key is to not let myself get so hungry and to not eat some much fast food and restaurant food. I swear they put drugs in there food.( just kidding )
DeleteMaybe you are right. Maybe seeing these tiny women are having an effect on me. Not to blame them or anything just saying.
They have an effect on all of us huny, it's in our wiring, I guess.. to always want what someone else has, even their bodies! Lol.. not their fault, but you need to keep yourself safe, just make sure you are strong before putting yourself in front of that stuff. And no spitting and chewing! :P Total ED behaviour, it's the first slip, down that slippery slope, ya know? Just becareful hun, you are so sweet and and caring, I don't want to see 'her' swallow you too x
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